Article

Going to be a DAD?!

By Lena Barczynski, MSW/MPH candidate 2008

So you are expecting!? Maybe you know how you got to this stage in your life and are thrilled to embark on this new adventure. Maybe you are completely speechless and stupefied, but you do know that you want to be a good dad. You may be feeling concurrent happiness, joy, relief and anxiety, disbelief, dread, even fear. We won’t discuss feelings in full gory detail except to say: talk to your partner or someone you trust; and remember you aren’t alone. Men have been impregnating and sticking by their women for centuries.

There are dozens upon dozens of books for mom to read about the changes that she will be growing through during pregnancy and what options are available when the time comes to give birth. Moving along to what may be at the forefront of your mind: do you have to read these books? Are there books that speak to dads? (Yes, please feel free to refer to recommended reading following the article). To simplify what may seem overwhelming—a general rule of thumb—researching pregnancy and birth on your own time will help prepare you for what mom is going to be going through. The more prepared you are, the more points you will score with mom, and you’ll feel more involved, which is ultimately the best way to feel closer to your baby, especially before s/he arrives. Below is a summary with points of interest on what will ultimately be a completely unique experience. So take in information in at your own pace and with a grain of salt. We promise it will help create a more concrete idea of what your role looks like.

MomSome women glow with the light of budding life and some women have morning sickness, nausea, backaches, and discomfiture starting in the first trimester. Each woman is different. However, you are the best man for the job of seeing your partner through the next year. Mom’s body will change. And she may have a difficult time accepting her weight gain and expanded belly. The best thing you can do in this situation is to tell her how beautiful she is to you. Argue that she is lovely; the more you say it the more you’ll come to realize how true this statement is to you. It is best to focus on how amazing it is that a woman’s body can actually provide a baby with everything it needs to grow and be healthy while keeping it safe. However, sometimes it is difficult to focus on the miracle of life when your partner begins to take up most of the room in the bed. Her breasts will get larger and they may become tender during pregnancy, after birth her abdominal muscles will never be as strong as they once were, but breastfeeding may help her get back to a more ideal version of herself quicker. The scars from a c-section will fade, as will stretch marks, and less so varicose veins, but they are her badge of honor for carrying your child, so put away your concerns and thank her for the ultimate sacrifice.

CouvadeFrom Albania to the Amazon, from Southeast Asia to South America couvade or “man in labor” is classically a custom where the father takes on the symptoms of the mother, holds to specified restrictions such as a more strict diet, and at times goes as far as to reverse the attention of medical healers away from the mother. In some cultures the practice of couvade is believed to keep the new-born safe, support a spiritual connection with the baby, while in others it is a social act that signifies paternity or is simply seen as an expression of sympathy pain (Doja, 2005).

Doctor VisitsHow real does this pregnancy seem to you? Women are naturally programmed to bond with their baby. Hormones released in mom during pregnancy and later breastfeeding start a chemical reaction that feeds an attachment or love towards her baby. Men are not so blessed. Most men need time to meet baby and then fall in love with baby for the person s/he is. Good thing babies are programmed to steal your heart away with just one smile, or two, or three. Taking the time to get to know baby will speed the process along. Start imagining the future: make a list of things you two can do together without mom (e.g. fishing, biking, football). And start getting involved in baby’s life immediately. Would it help to hear your baby’s heartbeat? Would you like to see your baby kick his feet, make a fist, and blow bubbles in the womb? The best way to experience your first view of your child is together with mom. The setting will have to be the doctor’s office unless you have acquired an ultrasound machine quite recently. Yes, most doctor visits may make you uncomfortable, your partner may kick you out of the room during the exam, you may be the only male in the pink waiting room, you may be completely ignored, but at least you aren’t pregnant. The baby isn’t growing inside your body, and your body is not expanding to his/her growing form and living space. These visits will provide you with an arsenal of facts and a time to ask questions. Ask questions—mom will love that you are interested. As you learn more about the nutritional needs of your baby and wife, symptoms to expect, whether or not certain exercise is safe, you may find your protective instincts kicking in. Do not become the nag, but encourage your partner to continue her healthy lifestyle (a.k.a. avoiding alcohol, smoking, and drugs) because her health now determines the baby’s.

BirthYou’ve been the good partner- you’ve repeatedly told her you love her, have given her approximately 7065 back and foot massages combined, have drank and gone out less in solidarity with mom during the pregnancy, and now its sinking in that baby is going to be coming into the world whether you and mom are ready or not. The two of you have gone to childbirth classes, you’ve packed the overnight hospital bag full of toiletries, new outfits, swim trunks for you (some places offer the option of tub birth), music and other relaxation materials for her, a surprise gift for mom from you, and you’ve installed your baby’s car seat. You’ve driven the route to the hospital or birthing center a few times and you know alternative routes in case of rush hour. Ultimately, mom has decided the type of birth experience she feels most comfortable with; and supporting her, sometimes advocating in a no-nonsense way, for her right to her goals is your newest task, whether these goals are giving it a try without drugs, or her decision to deliver at a birthing center instead of the hospital. You and mom both feel comfortable with the doctor, nurse midwife, and/or doula you have enlisted during this time. But this does not prepare you for the live action of supporting your partner through birth. Hold onto her when she needs it. Let go when she lets you know. Keep her distracted. Breathe with her. Use counter pressure. And remember this is just the beginning of your new life together with mom. Things are going to get messy.

Baby Comes HomeKiss sleep goodbye. The first few months will test your endurance and give you the ultimate challenge. You will jump into the pool of parenthood and the dad in you knows sinking is not an option. Depending on how childbirth went and what medical interventions were necessary, mom may be out of commission. So get involved. Change diapers. Bring baby to mom if she is breastfeeding, especially at 5am, or offer to feed baby at 5am if you are formula feeding. Do the chores around the house (i.e., clean that bathroom, do laundry, and all the other things you have been practicing during mom’s pregnancy). If you really want to secure her love and her sanity, let mom have some time to herself away from baby each day. Encourage her to continue to do one of the hobbies she used to do before she became a mom. Support her by suggesting ideas of outings that range from being active to complete relaxation. If it is not possible for you to take care of the baby during “mom-time” because of work and/or your family’s schedule find someone you trust to take over for a nice chunk of time at least once a week or an hour a few days a week. And most important of all, spend time looking, talking, cuddling, and interacting with your baby. Bring out that list of what you guys have to look forward to and tell her all about your favorite sports teams, your shining moment in high school, college, and even third grade. Baby has all the time in the world and loves to hear your voice and see your face. Baby’s very life is in your hands and depends completely on you while their first smile is your memory to keep.



References
Doja, A. (2005). Rethinking the Couvade. Anthropological Quarterly, 78(9), 917-950. Retrievable from http://muse.jhu.edu.proxy.lib.umich.edu/journals/anthropological_quarterly/v078/78.4doja.html

and Recommended Reading

Bishop, G. (2005). The essential guide for new fathers: hit the ground crawling. California: Dads
Adventure.

Brott, A. & Ash, J. (1995). The fourth month: money, money, money. In The expectant father:
facts, tips, and advice for dads-to-be. New York: Abbeville Press.

Mungeam, F. (1998). A guy’s guide to pregnancy: preparing for parenthood together. Oregon:
Beyond Words Publishing, Inc.

Simkin, P. (2007). The birth partner: a complete guide to childbirth for dads, doulas, and all
other labor companions (3rd ed.). Harvard Common Press.

>> More Articles